World Cup Spotlight: So there’s this big World Cup soccer tournament thing coming up and I guess, like Americans usually do, we’ll allow it to captivate us for a while, let it entertain us, make us cheer for the Red, White and Blue and, in the end, celebrate another American victory.
And while I know all Americans, deep down, already know this, I will be the one to just put it out there: The U.S. is going to crush England in the World Cup opening round game.
Now, I want to make something very clear. I am not saying I’m predicting an American victory.
I am predicting an American blowout. A three - or - four-goal American wipeout. The Yanks will systematically dismantle the Brits. It’s going to be a clinic.
The Olympics, the World Series of Poker, that big bike race in France. American showcases, all. This year’s World Cup will be no different. Like most everything else, if the U.S. of A. is playing, hand over the hardware, people.
It all starts with the much-anticipated U.S.A. v England opening round game June 12, where all signs point to an American victory and subsequent waltz into the competition’s next round. America’s got the will, they’ve got the talent and they’ve got the best dressed coach in the world. England hasn’t a prayer.
Before I go any further, what am I doing, referring to the U.S. as “they”? Saying “they’re” going to destroy England?
It’s “we,” baby. We’re going to destroy England.
It’s going to be spectacular.
The Yanks are 5-1 underdogs to beat England. Call your bookie, like, now. And we’re facing 80-1 odds to win the whole thing.
Seriously, someone lend me 10 bucks.
I’d previously written about how British soccer coaches living and working in Orange County don’t think the Americans have a prayer against their countrymen.
And aside from realizing that, well, the Brits here must have been coaching our kids well enough to put the U.S. in World Cup contention, I realized that it were the Brits who, as a whole, were most willing to weigh in with their opinions on the matter.
I sent out a rather impersonal email to a bunch of Orange County coaches I knew, both English and American-born, asking who would win the big game and why. The Brits were pretty quick to hit the reply button. The Americans, not so much. And I think I know why.
American coaches feel the exact same way I do, but they’re unwilling to say it. So I’ll just say it: The U.S. is going to destroy England in that game.
It’s going to be awesome.
The reasons for the upcoming lopsided American victory are many, and, sure, we can go through a few if you really think we need to.
I mean, come on, all the greatest soccer players in the English Premier League — the UK’s top-flight soccer showcase — are from America.
Landon Donovan, Tim Howard, that Patrick Dempsey guy. They all play in the EPL. They’re the class of English football. And sorry, chaps: They’re on our side now.
England is primed to look past us. Wayne Rooney can hardly walk. John Terry has more girlfriend problems than Tiger Woods. Their league’s Golden Boot winner is from some other continent. Heck, what am I talking about, all the rest of the best EPL players come from other countries, anyway.
Oh yeah, the EPL is becoming nothing more than a playground for big kids from other countries. So England goes and gets an Italian, Fabio Capello, to coach their national team. We applaud the effort, but this isn’t the EPL. No more getting bailed out by talent from other nations. That’s not enough to give you the edge you’re looking for, mates.
And England won’t even have their best player playing in the World Cup. David Beckham’s hurt!
The Yanks will square dance, break dance and sing “Born in the U.S.A.” on Auto-Tune all over these blokes on June 12.
It’s going to be magical.
This is just what we do. This is how the U.S. rolls. We sleepwalk into major international competitions and then lazily dig out our eye boogers after waking up wearing gold medals.
Our men’s national basketball team doesn’t win gold medals anymore? OK, we’ll send our NBA guys to the Olympics. Some of those games are actually pretty close in the seven minutes.
We’re so dominant in baseball and softball that the Olympic Committee actually cancelled those events, starting in the 2012 games. I hate when the French get their way.
But that’s fine, we’ll find another sport to rock you at. Good luck canceling the entire Winter Olympics. I didn’t even know he had snow in America?
The U.S. men’s ice hockey team (that’s that game you play while skating, right?) shredded host Canada in their own crib in this year’s Winter Games. And it took a sudden-death overtime goal for the Canucks to finally topple the U.S.A. and win the gold before their own countrymen and salvage what’s left of their own national pastime.
That’s actually the best example of my point. For about, oh, five days in March Americans cared about hockey. And we lived and died during that Gold Medal game against Canada. We held our breath with every slap shot. Our pulses thumped with every amazing save by American goalie Ryan Miller (was that his name?). And our hearts absolutely plummeted when Canada scored the winning goal, ending the U.S.’s improbable run.
I remember being devastated. Then I flipped to my DVR to watch Jersey Shore and forgot all about it until I sat down to write this column.
That’s what’s awesome about being an American sports fan. If we lose — and believe you me, we’re not on June 12 — we’ll just shrug our shoulders, fire up the Xbox, crack a Bud Light and turn up the Skynyrd.
And that’s why on June 12 we will teach England how to play football.
It’s going to be majestic.
When we, as Americans, are all on board together on something, we win. When we all get on one side of the rope and pull, we can yank anyone or anything into the mud. We didn’t even lose a war until the 1970s. That’s 200 years of going undefeated! And our hearts weren’t even in that war! See what happens? Not like in the 1940s when we, along with our mates England, polished off the bad guys in four years to win a little scuffle called World War 2.
The Brits are our most trusted and admired confidants. We’ve got each other’s backs. There isn’t a beachhead or a channel we won’t charge across to kick a little butt together and then go share a pint and a laugh afterward.
But not on June 12. Because on June 12 The Queen & Co. had better hope America isn’t all on the same side of the rope when it comes time for Donovan, Howard and that Dempsey dude to start pulling.
For it will be time for America to start caring about soccer en masse. And when America cares, America wins.
U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!
It’s going to be bloody brilliant.
Written by Mike Besack
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